My first blog post of 2012!

So here we go. It has been darn near a a year since I have wrote up on here. I suspect these first few entries will be a bit awkward. Eventually my writing should start to flow. I hope to be able to share a bit of knowledge in each entry, but most of the times it will be raw feelings or things I have recently learned and wanted to tell the world.

As most of you know, my mother passed away about 5 weeks ago. It is absurd for me to think it has actually been that long. What I will share is how I have been dealing with the pain. I am not ever trying to tell you that my pain is worse because you have your pain and I have mine. We all feel differently. My mother was battling cancer (I hate this word still) for about a year and 3 months. Saying she was tough would be an large understatement. She was incredibly courageous.

Now here I am, a 24 year old college student that just lost not only a mother, but an amazing friend. I am still trying to understand this whole grief thing. I mean, it has been 5 weeks? Isn't that long enough? I wish. I still struggle with sleeping, my recurring dreams of her seem to haunt me and frankly there is just a pain inside of me that will not go away.

A Grief Observed

I just finished a book by CS Lewis called A Grief Observed. It is hardly a book. It is his personal journal entries that he wrote shortly after his wife passed away. It is a fantastic read, especially for someone who is dealing with or has dealt with grief. As I was finishing the book today at the local coffee shop, I took down mental notes on two specific ideas. The first of these ideas is "getting over" pain. Lewis used an analogy involving 2 separate people. One of them was recovering from the removal of their appendix due to appendicitis and the other was recovering from an amputated leg. He said, the person who had their appendix removed will feel pain immediately, but that pain will subside and eventually disappear and will hardly affect him. The man who had his leg amputated will now have a stump instead of a leg. It will be incredibly painful initially, but the pain may go away in his stump for a while, but will most likely come back. Also, this man's life will be changed forever. Everything will be different from walking, to putting on his clothes, and even sleeping. If I use this analogy to my life right now, my stump is starting to heal, but it will never be pain-free. I am not even ready for that fake leg yet as much as I want to be, but I am getting close. One thing I know for sure is that I will never have that leg again. It was a vital part of my life gone forever.

The other idea Lewis talked about was how God will end relationships on Earth for a reason. I don't know why, but maybe it is because He has something else planned. He said "OK, that relationship must end, but I have something better for you now." I think this is what Lewis said kind of. I struggle with this idea, but I truly believe God has a master plan.

When one life ends another begins.

I really got to see the circle of life, so to speak moving in these past couple months. My mother passed Dec 29, but my nephew was just born yesterday Feb 2. Life and death. Death and life. It is a reality.

Lately I have really been trying to comprehend how fragile life on Earth is. So, tell your family and friends you love them. Don't let junk get in between a relationship that matters. Tell people you appreciate them and be sincere. Let go of regrets and move forward!

-Sean