Broken

Please pray for me. I don't like asking for prayer. I was going to write a status on facebook, but I realized I had more to say than I could fit in a status and frankly I would rather write it in here because I feel like a lot of people just wouldn't get it. I mean no disrespect by saying that. I just know that a lot of people would have written back "what's wrong?" I don't think I would doubt their sincerity. It's just not that easy to explain.

I feel broken. I haven't felt like this in quite a while. I know the Bible says do not be anxious, but I have a lot of anxiety right now. Its not like I feel too far away from God or anything like that. I don't doubt my salvation or the existence of a holy triune God. Just today yeah I feel a lot of past mistakes and procrastination and just sins in my life. It makes me feel so unworthy. Without God's grace I wouldn't even be able to write this.

I wasn't planning on writing this blog until very recently today. I just know that the power of prayer works. I feel really tired and worn down by my own flesh. I'm also way more nervous that I would like to admit about this new job. I know I have the skills, the personality, and the character to be successful at this job. I guess I am just afraid of the unknown. I know that I need to trust in God's sovereignty,  but just recently its been harder than usual to do so.

If you have the time, please pray that we may all feel the overwhelming joy and peace that can only be found in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Pray that we may be able to trust Him even with the smallest of things in our lives. I know all too well that things don't always work out the way I want them to so if you say a prayer for me just pray that I will be able to have strength in Him.

Thank you for reading this and I hope all is well.

Grace and Peace

Sean

Lessons in Patience

Before I really start writing what I want to write, I want to say this. I have this feeling that someone is going to read this who is in a lot of pain. I am not sure who you are or what you are going through, but I want you to know that I am praying for you. No pressure, but if you want to connect, so that I can pray more feel free to connect to me Sean Kavanagh on facebook or through email kavanaghs3378@gmail.com . I just had to get that off my chest.


I don't know exactly where I want this post to go, but I know I need to write. Feel me? The 2 words that have been most relevant in my life lately are "Patience" and "Transition". It seems they kind of go hand in hand.These last 3 or 4 months have been awful at times and at other times I have felt too blessed. I left a serious relationship in January, well maybe not "I left", Let's just say it ended. That sucked, but I have learned to say "God is sovereign". That alone helps me calm down. I had a plan set and well things did not work out my way. I was so impatient with life. I wanted answers or something. I quit my job and lost the woman I was in love with. I have been job searching since and it is official I have a new job!

There are 3 areas in my life where I feel incredibly impatient.

1.) With Myself- I am by no means a perfectionist, but I get frustrated when I am not where I want to be. I need to remember that God has me he for a reason. I have issues. We all do. I want them to just go away, but that's just not logical. I must work at them and of course trust that God is more than big enough to squash those problems. I like to beat myself up way too much. I have goals and dreams though. I want to get there, but sometimes life stops you and makes you smell the roses. Sometimes it is like, I want everything to just happen overnight. I have big things coming, but I need patience.

2.) With This World- I hate this place sometimes and I just want to go to Heaven. Now don't get me wrong. I love life, but sometimes this place we live in sucks. I was just at an event recently that sounded great, but it was just full of vulgarity and debauchery. It was ugly. I am not trying to blame specific people or to sound judgmental. I just am sick of all the garbage sometimes. Whether it's violence, hate, sexual exploitation, extreme arrogance, racism, or whatever. This can make me seriously feel ill, but I know what I need to do. God has me on this earth for a reason. I need to make the most of it. I need to show other people what joy is.

3.) With God- This one is one of the most difficult, but it is actually quite ridiculous that anyone should get impatient with God. God's timing is perfect. Nuff said.

This transition for me has been frustrating, but I have seen much growth in myself and I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of new friends and connected with a lot of awesome people. I have been able to write more and present my poetry more. I look forward to whatever is next.

If you have been feeling impatient lately, let's be patient together. Let's trust that things will work out how God wants them to work out, which is always the best way.

Grace and Peace

Sean

Standing Still and Remaining Silent

It just feels like the right time for me to write a blog post. I hope this post encourages you. I have been dwelling on a Bible verse for weeks now. I have just been thinking about it almost daily and yet I didn't really understand why. Today I studied it more and truly sought wisdom and understanding. The verse is Exodus 14:14  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Now before I go into what God has been revealing to me through that verse I want to get a little personal. Lately, I have been battling with sin and honestly I have been trying to do it all on my own. Sprititually, I don't think I am in a low point, but there are certain things that I just have not been giving to Him. Last night, I came home from a great night with friends. I laid outside with my dog on my picnic table and I just got lost looking at the stars. It was incredible. The sky was so clear and the stars looked amazing. I was thinking to myself, How can I try to act like God is not there? Like, I'll just block Him out for awhile. That is crazy. He is OMNIPRESENT. Later last night I felt horribly convicted to pray for a friend of mine who was struggling. While praying, God was also convicting me of my own sin. I felt a lot of growth, but it was painful. He made me realize that I have a lot to work on myself.

So back to that verse. As for context, this is Moses speaking. This is right before the Red Sea is about to be parted, but the Israelites don't know that. All they know is Pharaoh's army is on their tail and they look like dead meat. Here comes the murmuring and complaining. They were upset with Moses because they didn't  have faith that God would get them out this time. The first part of Moses' response was in verse 13, but in 14 he says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This is the NIV translation. In other translations it says "Be calm", "Be Silent", and "ye shall hold your peace". 

This verse is all about trust. Now I don't know what it is like to be these people who see an army coming to destroy them from behind and a great body of water in front of them, which appears to be a sure dead end. I think there are still points to take from this though. My personal favorite translation was "Be silent". These Israelites were murmuring, gossiping and complaining a lot.  Now, I see myself much like these Israelites, I sit here complaining. When life isn't going my way I start to grumble, but in that moment I lack trust. I need to shut up and let God fight for me. I think God is saying "Let me handle this", but we are like stubborn little kids first learning to tie our shoes. And if anyone tries to help we say "No! I got this", when all we can do is tie a bunch of knots that we can't even un-knot by ourselves and we end up creating an even bigger mess. The truth is we NEED God. God is willing to fight for us. He will protect us. Sometimes, I want to show everyone how tough I am, but God wants us to show our weaknesses! He is stregthened in our weakness!

Last night while praying, I wanted to lead the way in all these battles. I wanted to fight for my friend. God reminded me that I alone can't. I must surrender myself to Him. I must be silent and trust.

Thank you LORD!

That night.

So, it has been over a year since I have wrote on here! A lot has happened... graduating college, and landing a job and all sorts of other stuff along the way.  The main part of this post will be a story. A very true story. I want to take everyone with me back to the night of Dec. 30th 2011. I have been meaning to write this all down, but for whatever reason it has not happened till now. Even though a year and a half has gone by, I remember this night more vividly than any other. I want to write it down because I know that as time goes on, I will start forgetting more and more details.

Here we go...

The setting was TCX a conference for college students involved with Cru. In a hotel ballroom filled with almost two thousand people, the energy level was way up there. We were now less than 5 minutes away till the evening session started. I remember sitting on the left side of the ballroom, maybe the 15th row back in the first seat on the left. The Greater Twin Ports Cru claimed their seats. I was excited, but I was exhausted. I was tired of worrying about my mother. I was tired of crying every time I mentioned her situation. But alas, I was hoping that the speaker could bring words of encouragement. The countdown on the giant screen said less than 2 minutes to go. I get a text from my father that says "Call me right now". I make sure my program and my Bible were safe under my seat and then I walk at a fairly rushed pace towards the back doors. I had an awful feeling in my stomach, but I was hoping my dad just wanted to talk about something, you know, not important. I get out of the very noisy ballroom and into the lobby. I call my dad. This part is a bit blurry. All I remember him saying is "Mom's gone." I remember wanting to puke. I remember just pacing and occasionally bending over. I was trying my hardest not to hyperventilate. It took awhile, maybe 40 seconds for the tears to come. My father was trying to comfort me, but I wasn't listening. Never have I felt such a pain. He kept talking and I just kept pacing. The sobs started to come. My good friend Jacob came from behind me not knowing that I just got the news, but once he saw my face, he knew. I hung up. We sat down on some chairs. He just sat there with me. There was nothing to say. I just felt lost. It was such an empty feeling. I cried and he cried with me. I am not sure how much time passed, maybe 20 minutes, but I wanted to go back in. I went back in when the last song or second to last was playing before the emcee would come up. I immediately went over to the Cru staff, Luke, that I was good friends with. While the song was playing I stood next to him. I tapped him on the shoulder. I tried to say "She's gone" or "My mom just died", but I don't think anything came out. He knew what happened. We stood there with arms around each others' shoulders. Just crying. I tried to worship. I tried to sing, but I just cried. After the songs were over I went to sit down. The emcee came out and cracked a few jokes. I remember everyone laughing, but I couldn't engage. I felt like I was in a different dimension just watching everyone. The speaker came out. I grabbed my journal to take notes, but I still didn't know how to actually focus on what was really happening. I just looked around and saw all of the people laughing, joking, smiling, and I just could not join in. I picked up my Bible and I left the ballroom again. I am sure people were watching me as I left, but I didn't notice. I went back to those chairs. I just sat there. I tried to pray. I couldn't think. What was I supposed to think? Minutes later, Luke and Jacob come out of the ballroom and sit with me. They both did not say much and anything they did say never really soaked in. Luke said we should go over to this "prayer booth" It was a make-shift room made out of curtains. Luke knew some, maybe all of the people that were already inside of this booth. He introduced me right away. He told them that my mother had recently passed away. They (one man and two or three women who were Cru staff) looked at me with that "Aw, I'm sorry" face. Luke then had to go back out to the ballroom. It was Jacob and I and some strangers. They asked me questions about when she passed to which I responded "about 40 minutes ago". Their faces changed from that "aw, I'm sorry" face to the "Oh my! I don't know what to say" face. It was obvious they thought that my mom passed away a week or month ago. I am not sure how long we prayed, but I remember talking a lot and I think they did too. What I remember most vividly was the tears. These people just met me, but they felt my pain. All of us had tears running down our faces. I remember leaving that prayer session feeling a little better. At least I was able to talk about it. I went back into the ballroom to hear the very last song. I remember trying my hardest to just let God take control of this situation. At that moment, I felt God and He was near. After the song, I talked with friends, I cried some more, I remember feeling lost again. I wanted to tell them I was fine, but I was far from. I decided after the evening session was over, that I would stay the night and then I would go home. The next few hours consisted of me wandering around not really trying to be social. I was in a lobby with hundreds of people and I just stared at other people and watched their body language. I remember telling Jacob, that I wanted to gather the Greater Twin Ports Cru people together so I could tell them why I was leaving early the next morning. Jacob and others made sure that it would happen. There was a few hours where I just sat down by myself and thought. I may have spoken to a few people, but it was still very hard to focus and engage and to interact. At midnight, I started walking towards the conference room where the people were gathered. Before I got onto the escalator, I ran into Jonny and Danny, two friends that were with Cru that I knew from Ashland. I asked them what they were up to and I remember Jonny saying "We're coming with ya buddy." After we got off the escalator, I went over to the ledge looking down at the floor below. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this. I didn't really want to talk, but I gathered what few thoughts I had and I wiped the tears and went in. I wasn't sure how many would be in there, but it was crazy. Maybe 80 people were all sitting down. When I walked in everyone became silent. I am willing to bet that most everyone already knew what happened. I felt like sobbing again. I tried my best to hold it together, but I saw people already crying. In a very shaky voice I told everyone about my mother and her passing. They then prayed over me. It was wild to have so many people surrounding me literally in prayer. I remember hearing lots of sobbing. It was an amazing prayer session though. I felt God again. He was there. After we prayed, which probably took 15 minutes at least, many people gave me hugs and words of sympathy or encouragement. That night, I don't think I really slept at all. That night my world was forever changed. I can now talk about this story and be somehow encouraged. That night shaped me. It sucked, a lot, but I am stronger from it. God knows. I was blessed to have such amazing support.
I feel relieved. I have finally written this story down. If any more details come back, I may add them.

Sean

Hope

Hello all,

It has been quite some time since I have last wrote on here. For that I apologize. I actually said I was going to do this everyday. Yikes. I think by everyday I meant every 3 months.

First off, I will fill you in on my life. After this Mayterm, I will be 22 credits away from graduating! I plan on taking 2 summer courses at UWM so that when I return to Ashland in September, it will be my last semester of college! If you didn't know this, I am not really one to just throw exclamation points wherever, but this is great new! It has been an incredibly long journey! Who knows what will happen next.

The reason I have to take summer classes has a lot to do with my mother passing. I didn't handle that whole grieving thing very well. This semester I had to withdraw from two classes, cutting my course load in half. Time is feeling more like time to me.  I hope that makes sense. I used to count the days and weeks after she passed. Now, I don't. Don't think for a second that I forgot. She is constantly on my mind. This weekend is Mother's Day and my family will all be lighting sky lanterns and letting them float off in to the night sky. We will all be in different parts of the state, but together at the same time. My mother always liked these things and I think it is a great memorial. In case you have never seen one of these, here is a picture:

Now on to the INSPIRATIONAL part of my post. I put it in all caps so it would catch your eye. I bet it did. OK, I read some writings by Gareth Evans ( A Welsh-Canadian I met in Haiti) and he wrote about "hope".  He says, "Hope is an attribute of the mind and is evidenced in confidence." True hope is given to us by God. The kind of hope that was talked about in the letters Paul wrote, was more than just "I hope it doesn't rain today." It was even more than believing. It is knowing. I have hope that one day I will be in heaven. Why? Because God has revealed this to me. Do feel hopeless? Read 1 John. Obi-wan Kenobi is not our only hope. Jesus is. Look to the cross.

Here is a link to Gareth's little article:   http://www.garethevansministries.org/media/Hopeless.pdf

Let me know what you think of this post. The more feedback I get, the more I am encouraged to write more posts.

Have a wonderful day!!

Sean K.

Letters

The following letters reflect my personal beliefs on faith. I wrote the first letter to my mother while in Haiti weeks before her surgery that never actually happened due to the metastasizing of the tumor. The second letter was her response. For whatever reason, I felt like showing them to you.

Dear Mother,

This is a letter that I have been meaning to write for weeks if not months. I must be honest in this letter. I am tired of people sugarcoating situations such as this. We all know you have a very serious condition. I would love to say, “The surgery will go great!” The truth is I don’t know. Optimism is fine, but I do not believe that thinking happy thoughts can change a situation. Now, prayer, that is different because when one prays to God it involves faith, faith that He can. The thing about faith is, it is received.

When concerning your cancer, God has never given me that faith to say “I know you are going to live.” Believe me, that is what I want, but I learn that what I want and what God has planned can be very different. I know I hear the family and friends telling me “she is going to be ok”, but many of these people are terribly worried inside. I am not going to lie and say I am not worried, but the truth is God has given a peace in me with this situation. I continue to worry, but the more I look to God the more I hear him saying “It is in my hands”, which gives me assurance.

I want to let you know what matters most to me. I think you already know that I am going to talk about God. What matters most to me is your salvation. In the Lutheran church I don’t believe that there is enough talk about what salvation is. I am sure I have talked to you about this topic many times, but I pray that you understand why I talk about it so much. This is not easy to talk about, but whether your physical body lives or dies here on Earth, that is nothing compared to your spiritual body.

I am reading a book that talks about the moral law. This moral law is that thing inside us that tells us what we ought to do. It is more than just our conscience. This is one of the many proofs of God. If there is a child crying for help down the street, you will immediately think two thoughts. “I should go help” or “That is too dangerous”. If you do nothing you will most likely feel the guilt because of the moral law. This cannot be explained through science. Now we cannot possibly obey this moral law on a consistent basis, which means we disobey the power (AKA God) that created this moral law. We need forgiveness. We are saved by grace through faith, which will cause us to repent.

More than anything I want you to be confident that you are safe with God here on Earth or in Heaven. This is not just about believing in a god. This is about believing in God. Trusting in Him. Salvation can be received when God breaks you down and lets us understand that we are a fallen people.

Now, I trust that you are still reading this and maybe you have heard all this before, but if you have never truly asked for forgiveness, it is not too late. He loves you.

The change in my life was and is real. It is all because of Him, but I also feel I had the choice to surrender to him or not. I pray if you haven’t already that you will let God take control. I am not talking about religion junk here, I am talking about an authentic, personal relationship.

This sounds weird to say, but if you have not truly felt the Holy Spirit inside you, I want you to pray this prayer or a variant of it. Of course you do not have to and I don’t want you to if there is a feeling of obligation.

Dear Father,

I love you God. I trust that my life is in your hands.

I know I have lived a far from perfect life thus far.

I ask you for forgiveness of my sins with thanks to your son Jesus who died for me.

I am willing to give up what I have here on Earth to live an eternity with you.

In your Son’s name,

Amen

This letter was not an easy one to write to say the least. You are my closest friend here on this Earth. In the past two years I have always tried to be as honest as possible with you. I am sorry if my honesty here was too much. I am sure there are bits of this letter you would not have wanted to read, but I felt compelled to write this. I wrote this letter because I love you. Not just a little. I love you more.

Sean

Now here is the response:

Sean,

I love you more than you will ever know - that is at least until some
day when I hope you are blessed enough to have children of your own.
Then you will know the kind of intense, unconditional love I feel for
you. Who you are and what you have grown into gives me emotions that
are like explosions - I can't quite explain how grateful I am to God for
finding you and taking you in. I believe I have that connection with
God. I know our words sometimes differ and maybe it's a little
different, but I have given this to God. I am doing what I can - the
things that are in my power, but I I realize those things are very
small, but I'm sure still important. I find peace from reading the book
we bought together and learning how to pray better and more often. It
does give me peace. When you spoke to me about identifying the
connection with God as finding peace - not necessarily knowing if my
request would be the result of the prayers being answered, that really
made a connection for me. Although I'm scared - again something I don't
talk about, but honestly, I don't know how this all will turn out
either. Anyway, the thought that the surgery is getting closer, the
tests next week and the actual process of the surgery are scary, I know
I will have so much support from all those I love and love me, but I do
feel like I'll be held in God's hand and will be given the strength to
deal with what comes next. I don't know how, I just know I"m not
alone. I'm sort of shy to say I ask to be healed, it seems so self
centered, but I do with then thoughts that God knows my world and
understands my desires so it's not being pompous to ask to continue to
live here on earth for a while. I also know there are countless options
on the way my life can go - unimaginable scenarios really, so I trust God.
I heard something else about a week or so ago. Our God is an "in time"
God. We may not always get what we asked for when we asked for it or
the way we think it should have been given. But God will give us what
we need when the time is right. God will give us peace "in time".
Sometimes I want to just scream why can't it be now? or Just tell me!,
but then I usually feel a sort or breeze inside that calms and
re-centers and I wait until it's time.

I have reached a point where I look for the positive, hope and pray for
the positive, but I've also learned that God usually surpasses any of my
wildest dreams in some way so I've also become more comfortable with
trusting that his knowledge is so superior, I just need to ask for help
- he knows whats the best way for that help to be presented.

Thank you for the prayer - It's a very good one and I will keep it with
my book to help me remember it (and to use it more often). My life has
been blessed. I have a personal relationship with God. I love how
deeply your caring for me runs. You are amazing. I know the next
couple of weeks are going to get more intense - I can feel myself
getting a little more stressed, but prayer, talking and being in touch
all help.
I love you

Mom

Uh oh, he tries to write poems too?

Here is a poem that I wrote while I was in Haiti with a few a recent adjustments. If you like thanks. If you think it is weak sauce. It's OK. I know I am not a master poet. I just like to convey my thoughts and emotions trough rhyming words.

I'm at a lack of words for how much this hurts.
Keep trying so hard, but it only gets worse.
No time to think and barely time to blink.
Why's it this way? It's almost unbearable.
Give me some advice or throw it in a parable.
I won't sit back and I can't relax
It's time to face the facts.
Children are sick and dying
It's like we stopped trying.
Life's too short to watch from the outskirts.
Jump in and don't tell me how much it hurts.
You don't know about sleeping on cardboard
You're too busy complaining about junk you can't afford.
Believe me I care, even if I've never been there.
I want to help, but I've only got these two hands
Lord, show me what I can't do, you can.
Work in me then through me
Then, I'll be bearing fruit with big leaves.
This pain, it's not about me.
It's about you and your family.
Pain is pain and I know we'll all feel it, just never give up hope.
He's right here in our midst.

Eh, I don't like this that much, but I think it accurately describes how I feel.